Powerful piece. I’ve danced with this one a lot, being a recovering people-pleaser it was a hard one to nail down. But I DO love myself now. Don’t always remember to show it, but it’s there.
That’s such an important distinction Jonathon… loving yourself and remembering to show it aren’t always the same thing. I’m so glad you’ve found that steadiness!
So true. I think often we think we love ourselves or we love certain parts of our lives. But as we say to others, actions speak louder than words. And we don't always choose ourselves. That 'yes' to a friend that should have really been a 'no.' Or staying behind at work when we wanted to get to that gym class. In all these small actions we show ourselves that we don't choose us, that we don't love us. And the body keeps the score.
loving myself looks like treating myself with kindness and gentleness. honouring my needs over expectations from others and letting go of the negative self talk. i still have a way to go but i hope to get there some day
I honestly don’t think someone can truly love themselves if they are not true to themselves. If they pretend to be someone else. Someone they aren’t really like but will for the sake of getting along. Then it’s easy to see why someone would not love themselves. They are becoming the things they don’t love from others. How can one love themselves if they are acting like the exact thing that they don’t love?
I used to worry that I was "too much" but the older I get, the less I worry about that, and have learned to embrace who I am (flaws and all!). Thanks for sharing!
I really appreciate you sharing this here Ammy. There’s a lot of depth in what you wrote. The idea of not routing our worth through other people feels especially important.
I’m always moved by how many different paths people take toward the same question.
There are things about me that I’m enamored with and there are days when I feel like the coolest person I know. I know that I could have been lovable if I wouldn’t have had to build such self defense mechanisms so early on in my life. It conditioned me to be love starved and learn to live on very little and give more than I take. I have poured all of me into others, expecting nothing, but at the same time, quietly growing bitter over not receiving love. My kids are grown and I did a wonderful job there, so now I’m trying to focus on how to take care of myself.
I appreciate you sharing your take… you always bring intensity to the comments.
You’re right, we see love very differently. For me, it’s less about dominance and more about care and choice. It’s interesting how the same word can hold such different meanings
I know I am loved and at times I do love myself because I know what I bring to others lives with my personality and attitude.
But then, because I’ve never been romantically loved, I don’t know how deep my love should be. Like I don’t deserve complete love because I’ve never felt complete love.
It’s something I’ve been wrestling with. I usually do this time of year.
I’m really glad you said this, Matt. There’s something tender about wondering if we deserve a kind of love we haven’t experienced yet…
but I don’t think love is something we qualify for. I think it’s something we’re inherently worthy of, even when life hasn’t reflected that back to us yet.
Powerful piece. I’ve danced with this one a lot, being a recovering people-pleaser it was a hard one to nail down. But I DO love myself now. Don’t always remember to show it, but it’s there.
That’s such an important distinction Jonathon… loving yourself and remembering to show it aren’t always the same thing. I’m so glad you’ve found that steadiness!
So true. I think often we think we love ourselves or we love certain parts of our lives. But as we say to others, actions speak louder than words. And we don't always choose ourselves. That 'yes' to a friend that should have really been a 'no.' Or staying behind at work when we wanted to get to that gym class. In all these small actions we show ourselves that we don't choose us, that we don't love us. And the body keeps the score.
Absolutely, I love how you’ve captured this and those examples resonate. The small actions - aligned and not - add up.
Thanks for being here 💗
loving myself looks like treating myself with kindness and gentleness. honouring my needs over expectations from others and letting go of the negative self talk. i still have a way to go but i hope to get there some day
Amazing Hana! Even just having the intent to treat yourself that way is amazing in itself 💗
I honestly don’t think someone can truly love themselves if they are not true to themselves. If they pretend to be someone else. Someone they aren’t really like but will for the sake of getting along. Then it’s easy to see why someone would not love themselves. They are becoming the things they don’t love from others. How can one love themselves if they are acting like the exact thing that they don’t love?
That made sense in my head. 💝
It absolutely makes sense! We love ourselves when we are ourselves
💝 yes!
This leaves me with so much to ponder. Beautiful.
Aw, thanks so much for this and reading, Hannah 💗
I used to worry that I was "too much" but the older I get, the less I worry about that, and have learned to embrace who I am (flaws and all!). Thanks for sharing!
That’s amazing, Amanda 💗
Thank you for being here!
Well written. I have also shared a post on the same topic with different perspective.
https://open.substack.com/pub/ammy411/p/an-inquiry-into-love-self-love-and
I would like to know you pov on this.
I really appreciate you sharing this here Ammy. There’s a lot of depth in what you wrote. The idea of not routing our worth through other people feels especially important.
I’m always moved by how many different paths people take toward the same question.
There are things about me that I’m enamored with and there are days when I feel like the coolest person I know. I know that I could have been lovable if I wouldn’t have had to build such self defense mechanisms so early on in my life. It conditioned me to be love starved and learn to live on very little and give more than I take. I have poured all of me into others, expecting nothing, but at the same time, quietly growing bitter over not receiving love. My kids are grown and I did a wonderful job there, so now I’m trying to focus on how to take care of myself.
I hear so much strength in this. Especially in noticing the bitterness that can grow when we give more than we receive.
Maybe learning to take care of yourself now isn’t selfish. Maybe it’s a kind of rebalancing 💗
Great piece.
Here’s the twist:
My definition of love is the exact opposite of yours.
Two polar ends.
Completely against it. 🤣😂😅😂🤣😂
Love is dominance.
(The Asymmetry of Love)
There are no twin stars feeding each other forever—
one always burns, the other learns to take.
Only dominance.
Love is dominance until it isn't.
Dark Prince out!
https://substack.com/@darkprincethevillianofthestories/note/c-212872218?r=4fqb40&utm_source=notes-share-action&utm_medium=web
I appreciate you sharing your take… you always bring intensity to the comments.
You’re right, we see love very differently. For me, it’s less about dominance and more about care and choice. It’s interesting how the same word can hold such different meanings
Oh, thank you.
My framework is less about feelings and more about structure
dominance by relational architecture, not by coercion.
It’s not about good or bad, fair or unfair; it’s the inherent asymmetry present in every connection
I know I am loved and at times I do love myself because I know what I bring to others lives with my personality and attitude.
But then, because I’ve never been romantically loved, I don’t know how deep my love should be. Like I don’t deserve complete love because I’ve never felt complete love.
It’s something I’ve been wrestling with. I usually do this time of year.
I’m really glad you said this, Matt. There’s something tender about wondering if we deserve a kind of love we haven’t experienced yet…
but I don’t think love is something we qualify for. I think it’s something we’re inherently worthy of, even when life hasn’t reflected that back to us yet.
Thank you for sharing this here 💗
I appreciate you saying that. I’ll keep enjoying the love I am receiving!
Yes! Love that, Elise